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Helping Your Teen with Self-Criticism, Shame, and Harsh Self-Talk
Helping Your Teen with Self-Criticism, Shame, and Harsh Self-Talk
Adolescence is a time of change, growth, and new challenges. Alongside these changes, many teenagers struggle with self-criticism, shame, and harsh internal dialogue. As a parent, it can be difficult to know how to respond when your teen says things like, “I’m useless,” or “I’ll never be good enough.”
Here’s a guide to understanding what’s going on and practical steps you can take to support them.
Why Teens Can Be So Hard on Themselves
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Brain development: The teenage brain is still developing in areas responsible for emotional regulation and perspective-taking. This can make emotions feel more intense.
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Social comparison: With peers and social media as constant reference points, many adolescents compare themselves and come up short in their own minds.
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Identity building: As they work out who they are, teens often put pressure on themselves to “get it right” and may feel shame when they don’t.
What Parents Can Do
✅ 1. Listen First, Fix Later
When your teen says something critical about themselves, resist the urge to jump straight into reassurance. Instead:
When your teen says something critical about themselves, resist the urge to jump straight into reassurance. Instead:
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Nod, make eye contact, and listen fully.
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Use reflective phrases like: “It sounds like you’re feeling really disappointed in yourself.”
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This shows you understand, which is more powerful than quick fixes.
✅ 2. Model Self-Kindness
Your own self-talk matters. Teens notice how you handle mistakes. Try to:
Your own self-talk matters. Teens notice how you handle mistakes. Try to:
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Speak kindly about yourself in front of them.
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Admit when you get things wrong, and model bouncing back: “I messed up at work, but mistakes help me grow.”
✅ 3. Challenge the “All-or-Nothing” Thinking
Help your teen reframe their negative thoughts:
Help your teen reframe their negative thoughts:
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If they say: “I’m terrible at sport,” ask: “Is it true you’re terrible at all sport, or just this game?”
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Point out small wins or efforts: “You kept practicing even though it was hard—that’s strength.”
✅ 4. Separate Shame from Guilt
Teach the difference:
Teach the difference:
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Guilt = “I did something wrong.”
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Shame = “I am wrong.”
Encourage your teen to see mistakes as actions they can learn from, not reflections of their worth.
✅ 5. Encourage Connection
Shame grows in isolation. Strengthen their sense of belonging:
Shame grows in isolation. Strengthen their sense of belonging:
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Encourage friendships that are supportive, not competitive.
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Get them involved in groups, clubs, or sports where they feel valued.
✅ 6. Normalize Help-Seeking
Sometimes teens need more support than parents can provide:
Sometimes teens need more support than parents can provide:
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Talk openly about the value of counsellors or psychologists.
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Remind them: “Everyone needs help sometimes—it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.”
A Final Note for Parents
It can be hard hearing your child talk negatively about themselves. Remember: your calm presence, consistent empathy, and gentle guidance can slowly reshape the way they talk to themselves. By modeling compassion and encouraging balanced thinking, you can help your teenager replace that harsh inner critic with a kinder, more supportive voice.
Written by Terase Killin and Marcus Missio-Spiteri, College Counsellors
We acknowledge the tradition of custodianship and lore of the Country on which St Edward’s College stands. We pay our respects to those who have cared and continue to care for Country.
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